S3: 4 months later..

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Hello friends & readers..

It has been a while and some thoughts have been on my mind a while, as a lot of time has passed and I have to express my thoughts. Of late, Ideapod has been very intriguing to me (do check it out, great ideas in one page), particularly this post and it’s the 9th point.

“People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.”

Here’s the rest of the link: https://www.ideapod.com/idea/10-Paradoxical-Commandments-To-Live-By-Do-Good-Anyway/5771efc2165eb82c12013d2f

Note, I don’t believe in making my blog with an utterly successful image. Behind the veneer of success everyone shows, a thousand failures shows. I do not understand why people choose to hide failure and show themselves to always be successful in the eyes of the public or friends. Aren’t you just deceiving yourself and others? Wouldn’t it be better to show genuineness? Thus, I’m going to be true to myself, no matter who says what.

First thing on my mind is this blog. I really love blogging during my free time and if I could do this for a living, I would. Sadly, at the moment, I’m far away from where I want to be. Still, so far, I’m glad of all the support and encouragement from people. Yet, I cannot help but envy people who started later than me and are doing better than me. I’m not sure what I am missing, even if I look and try to improve.

And to those who are going to say.. “Why don’t you work harder and stop complaining..?”.. that’s the only thing I ca do right and you are not in my position to fully understand what I go through in life, whoever you may be. I don’t dwell in self-pity and sympathy (contrary to what you may think). Yet, a little compassion goes a long way. I sure wouldn’t mind some comments on my blog. I welcome them. Is there something really wrong with my blog or posts? If no one comments, how would I know is it good or bad? All in all, I’d like to blog about many valuable things I read and share with people so others will benefit in turn. Perhaps we can share knowledge, and we all become greater for it.

Secondly, I don’t understand people. I understand hermits but I don’t understand the hypocrisy of people at all. For one thing, when I see certain people pursuing an education, these people are just wasting their damn time not paying attention at all. Then, why are they even here? Then for group assignments, why the hell can’t they even be bothered to do their best? Then these idiots just burden others, free-riding, not feeling guilt in some regard. I really hate people like that. I get it we all have freedom of choice. But if your freedom of choice involves me, then these people buck up or they get lost.

Thirdly, I honestly have very little friends, so I do cherish the ones that I do have. But sometimes I wonder if anyone would remember if I am indeed alive or if they would even care if one day I’m gone. When I see other people with better friendships, I envy them. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong as I try hard to be a better friend. I understand life can be unfair.. I feel like I’m the underdog in my life but of course, people love the top dogs. I do not know. I have little aspiration to be the top dog and tower over others. I’d just rather be the best version I can be. Yet, it is difficult. For one, its just me that cares alongside my misguided and naive idea of friendship where people help each other become their very best. I’m an idealist cause I feel if we do not have a standard to measure ourselves, then we will never reach anywhere in life. How do I be a great friend that people treasure while being authentic to myself? I must read and learn more. One more thing, sometimes, I’d wish people would appreciate me more, as a friend. I just don’t feel it at times.

Then when I see the hypocrisy people preach, that people want sincere or intimate friendship but instead people search for popularity, I have to question myself and others. What do we really want? Is the notion of true friendship just some childish fairy tale and today’s notion of friendship is nothing more but mutual benefit?

Lastly, what does it all matter? Why do I even bother with all of this? I’d wish I have answers and solutions but I don’t. I’d wish I do. Like why do I care about friendship? The best answer I could find is this:

“I do not know why I care,” Drizzt answered honestly. His eyes turned back to his ancient homeland where loyalty was merely a device to gain an advantage over a common foe. ” Perhaps I care because I strive to be different from my people,” he said, as much to himself as to Bruenor.” Perhaps I care because I am different from my people. I may be more akin to the races of the surface… That is my hope at least. I care because I have to care about something. You are not so different, Bruenor Battlehammer. We care lest our lives be empty.” ~ Drizzt Do’urden contemplating his reasons to Bruenor Battlehammer
(The Legend of Drizzt, Book IV, The Crystal Shard, R.A. Salvatore, pg 46)

Then why do I challenge and go against the order of things? It is because I would like to believe that I make my own destiny in life. That I have the freedom to be who I want to be and beyond. But are these real thoughts or the delusions of an idealistic fool?

All in all, thank you for reading this sad self-reflection.

I’ll be back soon, better than this.

Signing off
~ Sol

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